That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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