I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
