someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
