You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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