oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
