I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
