U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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