How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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