I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
