Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I met the friendliest cop last night
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
