dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Randomize
