yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
