he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
