my mouth tastes like poor choices
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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