The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
