So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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