So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
