We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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