the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
