even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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