we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
