I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
