I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
