I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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