On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
