my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
