why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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