We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
