I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
