I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
