just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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