I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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