kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
