i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
