Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
