Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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