My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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