I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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