Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
