giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
