I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Sorry about my life...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
