dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
