dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
