I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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