Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
