I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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