Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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