literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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