We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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