He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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