Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
