So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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