My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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