So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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