Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
