He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
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Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts