Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
