Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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