i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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