I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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