I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
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I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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