I hate all girls vehemently.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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